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by Peter Leppik
The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it
was happening. I hope it isn't one of those had to be there
things.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me.
Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go.IT:
Is that it?ME:
Yep.IT:
That'll be $1.04, eat here?ME:
No, it's *to* *go*.[I hate effort duplication.]
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and says
Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back.
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.
Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?MG:
No. A what?IT:
A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me.MG:
Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL.IT:
Yeah, thought so.
He comes back to me and says
We don't take these. Do you have anything else?ME:
Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?IT:
I don't know.ME:
See here where it says legal tender?IT:
Yeah.ME:
So, shouldn't you take it?IT:
Well, hang on a sec.
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and
He says I have to take it.MG:
Doesn't he have anything else?IT:
Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change.MG:
I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE.[my emphasis] IT:
What should I do?MG:
Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money.IT:
I can't tell him that, you tell him.MG:
Just tell him.IT:
No way, this is weird, I'm going in back.
The manager approaches me and says
Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night.[it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.] ME:
Well, here's a two.MG:
We don't take *those* either.ME:
Why the hell not?MG:
I think you *know* why.ME:
No really, tell me, why?MG:
Please leave before I call mall security.ME:
Excuse me?MG:
Please leave before I call mall security.ME:
What the hell for?MG:
Please, sir.ME:
Uh, go ahead, call them.MG:
Would you please just leave?ME:
No.MG:
Fine, have it your way then.ME:
No, that's Burger King, isn't it?
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]
Yeah, Mike, what's up?MG:
This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money.SG:
Really? What?MG:
Get this, a *two* dollar bill.SG:
Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?[incredulous] MG:
I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty.SG:
So, the fifty's fake?MG:
NO, the $2 is.SG:
Why would he fake a $2 bill?MG:
I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?SG:
Yeah...
Security guard walks over to me and says
Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use.ME:
Uh, no.SG:
Lemme see 'em.ME:
Why?SG:
Do you want me to get the cops in here?
At this point I was ready to say, SURE, PLEASE,
but I wanted to eat,
so I said
I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill.
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
Mike, what's wrong with this bill?MG:
It's fake.SG:
It doesn't look fake to me.MG:
But it's a **$2** bill.SG:
Yeah?MG:
Well, there's no such thing, is there?
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
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